more than words...

Bismillah…

Rezeki manusia tu macam-macam. I mean, they come in various forms and ways. Alhamdulillah, rezeki saya iman dan islam.

There was time (guess it’s actually WERE times) when I felt so down and frustrated. I don’t know. It’s such a helpless and hopeless feeling.

It doesn’t feel good to trouble others.

It is not okay to impose on others.

It sucks when it seems like we’ve been using, taking advantages and make use of others when we need them.

Even worst, we blamed our limitations and weaknesses for that. Blamed? Or actually making an excuse out of it?

God knows.

I was waiting for a bus to get myself somewhere, for a sharing session. I have to spend two hours before the exact time of the meeting to catch and change busses. And to my fortune, I missed the very trip I planned to take which dragged to another problem, causing others to wait for me in turn.

I seriously cried my heart out. Knowing that wasn’t the first time it took place, I felt so despaired.

I meant good.

And I wanna be good.

The only thought that crossed my mind at that very point of time was, how I wish I have a car. Seriously, I meant it.

Then, one after another bit and pieces of memories of my anak2 usrah and I traveling together for a daurah.

How I let them (who were still fresh and new) to move from a place to another themselves because their mak usrah couldn’t drive them there.

I seriously don’t mind if all of my shoes torn and wrecked because I walk a lot.

I seriously don’t mind if I have to walk alone late at night from their places and bumped with all sorts of weird people along the way…

Because that is simply what I wanna do.

Up to a point where I couldn’t manage myself well.

I have other responsibility as a student to study and get my research done, well.

I hardly spend much time on the road, to travel and walk to their places.

And again, I have to trouble and impose on others.

Which I think I’m just benefiting them to get myself where I wish to.

I’m selling fish.

Selfish.

The only thought that crossed my mind at this very point of time is, how I wish I have a car. Seriously, I meant it.

Well, of course, the cause of my frustrations and despair-ness is not a car for sole. Almost each and every single thing that hinders me, and the stressors which keep pushing me that I’m not able to move myself no where affect me.

Up to a point where I seriously realize that, I have nothing with me.

Zero.

Nil.

I have no money.

I have no other sort of wealth with me.

I have NOTHING!

Which then, I think, how better life could be if I at least have a car.

Or perhaps, some money to spend on others, on my transportation and what not.

And you know what?

I WAS WRONG!

The car is not my source of happiness.

Money is not my source of happiness.

Not until I came across these versus of surah al Israk:

18. Whoever wishes for the quick-passing (transitory enjoyment of this world), We readily grant him what We will for whom We like. Then, afterwards, We have appointed for him Hell, he will burn therein disgraced and rejected, (far away from Allah's Mercy).

19. And whoever desires the Hereafter and strives for it, with the necessary effort due for it (i.e. do righteous deeds of Allah's Obedience) while he is a believer (in the Oneness of Allah Islamic Monotheism), then such are the ones whose striving shall be appreciated, thanked and rewarded (by Allah).

20. To each these as well as those We bestow from the Bounties of your Lord. And the Bounties of your Lord can never be forbidden.

21. See how We prefer one above another (in this world) and verily, the Hereafter will be greater in degrees and greater in preference.

22. Set not up with Allah any other ilah (god), (O man)! or you will sit down reproved, forsaken (in the Hell-fire).

23. And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."

25. Your Lord knows best what is in your inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, verily, He is Ever Most Forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and again in obedience, and in repentance.

Ilah.

I made all sorts of things as my ilah without I realizing it - money, car, friend, my beloveds and others as sources of my happiness and satisfaction but HIM.

Bila sumber kebahagiaan dan kegembiraan itu bukan DIA, saya mencari ilah yang lain, padahal, DIA lah tempat pergantungan saya yang sebenar-benarnya.

Tempat saya berdoa

Tempat saya berharap

Tempat saya meletakkan segala impian dan harapan.

Kerana tiada apa yang mustahil bagi DIA

Kerana tiada apa yang tidak mungkin bagi DIA

Kerana tiada satu pun doa, harapan juga permintaan kita yang tidak DIA tahu, tidak DIA dengar melainkan DIA lah juga yang akan menunaikanya… memberi dengan sepenuh kemurahan dan kasih sayang.

Inilah rezeki saya.

Bila saya mampu menyedari yang DIA lah rabb,

Dan saya hanya hamba.

Inilah rezeki saya,

Bila saya mampu berkata,

Tuhan, aku tidak punya apa… kecuali ENGKAU.